Noah (2014) Explained

by Ken Eckert

Ken's Guide to the Characters and Events of this Controversial Movie

Spoiler alert — If you buy your children every toy they ask for, you will spoil them. Don't do it.

In a story faithfully respectful to biblical scripture, the movie begins with an ancient-world Noah as a vegan farmer growing low-fat fair-trade sustainable soy for his partners at Trader Joe's.

Conflict arises when Tubular Bells, the evil offspring of Cain and his wife d. Licious, and the fallen, sinful citizens of the world's BBQ-loving cities, threaten Noah's pastoral idyll with subdivision development.

Noah, being an earth-friendly animal lover, opposes Tubular's cruelty and urban rapacity and begins to distribute calendars of supermodels who would rather wear nothing than wear animal skins, further earning Tubular's animosity.

In a segment faithfully respectful to biblical scripture, Noah has a sorta idea after seeing some trees move themselves that maybe someone kinda spiritual-like wants him to do something, such as build a giant ark to preserve man and animal kind from a cataclysmic flood.

Noah, needing advice and guidance, visits Methuselah, the 980-year old seer who helps him expand his mind in a meditative trance to glimpse at higher truth.

While Noah is building, trouble brews in a brewing way from Tubular's men, who become suspicious about his activities. Noah tries to convince them some guys like model trains, and he just happens to like arks.

Realizing his sons are total losers with the chicks, Noah sets off to find them wives for the ark. He meets Illivator, an abandoned groupie from the Aerosmith tour bus. Taking pity on her, he adopts her.

In a last attempt to find wives, Noah finds that the cities of earth have become so corrupt and decadent that he has a personal crisis, wondering if mankind is worth saving at all.

Then shit gets real. It begins to pour, Tubular's armies realize that two of every animals on earth boarding the ark seems somehow oddly connected, and they try to seize it. Noah is forced to flee back to cast off.

In a scene faithfully respectful to biblical scripture, primeval fallen fun-fruit rock-tree monsters help Noah in fending off the armies. As they distract the soldiers with food, the ark escapes and all drown.

Hopes are tested as the ark floats aimlessly on the raging waves for weeks, and Tubular is found to have stowed away in secret on deck 4 by the shuffleboard lanes, eating the unicorns to survive.

Noah breaks when Illivator announces she is pregnant. Deciding that the earth would be better off without people altogether and that, y'know, the ark thing was really his idea anyway, he makes plans to kill the newborn.

When the ark lands, Noah confronts Tubular, who has tried to turn Noah's loser sons against him. Noah, after a song number, dispatches Tubular and decides to spare Illivator's child, deciding that blood is icky.

Noah blesses his family and the earth and founds a PETA chapter and gluten-free commune at the rainbow's end. Noah's son and his wife Illivator offer a mysterious but promising hope for the future.


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