Compiled and vetted by Drs. Franz Quibbleschnibble and Philippe Sassafratz at the Free University of Brigus-Stratham, Flugelhamer.

1. In this question, it is better to select

Button 1
Button 2

2. Admit it! The name 'Raoul' is fun to say.

Yes
No

3. People who end sentences with 'as it were' are probably

Idiots
Communist sympathizers

4. Why does Neil Young have such a whiny voice?

Seldom
Never

5. Admit it! 'Djibouti' is a really cool name for a country.

Yes
No

6. Sentence traps are annoying. By the way, have you stopped beating your mother?

Yes
No

7. Why do products tell you 'use only as directed' and then not give you directions?

Yes
No

8. Are you annoyed when people speak as though French Guyana is in Africa, when it isn't?

Often
Sometimes

9. Doesn't Mick Jagger look more and more like Don Knotts every day?

Absolutely
Certainly

10. When you eat a box of Kraft Dinner, and you read the label, which says something like 'feeds a family of 16', don't you feel like a pig just for a moment? I know I do.

Maybe
No comment

11. William Shakespeare would have been much cooler if his parents had named him 'Ja Rule Shakespeare' instead.

17
14

12. Tungsten thinks it's so great! Well, it's not nearly as useful an element as, say, Neilsbohrium. Grr, that stuck-up tungsten.

Yes
But radium is way cool

13. People who say 'beauty is only skin deep' grate on me. How deep do you want? How adorable is your pancreas?

Stunning
Do I look fat with this pancreas?

14. What the heck is 'chucking'? And who cares what the woodchuck does with the wood anyway?

I do, but only in an abstract, philosophical sort of sense that transcends temporal sense materialism.
I need a drink!

15. Oh, that Great Britain! Och, where do they get off calling themselves great, with a country that always rains and people with bad teeth. From now on, they should be called

Mediocre Britain
Right Said Fred

16. How come people have unmitigated gall, but never mitigated gall? Huh?

Just because
It's a secret

17. This is the last question of the survey.

Yes
Perhaps

Thank you for participating in the survey. Everyone who submits a completed survey will receive a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, unless it is a Tuesday, in which case you don't get squat, and don't come whining to me! When I was your age we didn't fool around with no hifalutin' surveys, and we liked it, by gadfrey.