My Movie Screenplay

Yes! Action! Mystery! Romance! Adventure! That's what's in store if my screenplay ever sees the light of day as a major motion picture production. Critics will hail it as a cinematic achievement and will lecture at snooty film studies classes on my oeuvre and weltunschauung. Teenage girls will see my dangerous hero and forget all about Leonardo What's-is-Name. And now, I make it available for anyone willing to see the future of motion pictures! This is a film which could gross more revenue than even Ernest Goes to Camp.

International Lard Yogurt Productions

In conjunction with Ken Eckert Stupid Flanders Universal Aardvark, Inc.

Raoul Z. Quisling Presents:

The Scourge of the Mac


Our story begins near the present time in a land of joy and peace where computers were built to serve people and spread happiness to everyone.
And then the world was given Windows with which to see the world in this blissful age.. and there was much rejoicing.
But evil forces, led by the ulterior and diabolical forces of the unknown evil within us all, were conspiring to deprive the land of its days of innocence and Ms-Dos based harmony. This group became known as The Apple League as it began to bribe and corrupt business and educational leaders with overpriced and pathetically underpowered products cruelly masquerading as real computers.
At first people laughed at the audaciousness of the league and its goals... its one-button mouse; its total lack of response to the user's needs... but the poison seeped deep into the very fabric of public institutions as dark clouds loomed over the horizon.
And then, October 13.. Black Tuesday. Parliaments across the land voted to implement unfailing usage of the beast, as it came to be called, in classrooms across the land.
In the meantime, the men of shame and cowardice in parliament tied up the forces of good in lengthy court proceedings. A new dark ages was at hand; in an historic public address, the man who had given so much told the nation that "only a computer superhero can save us now."
Enter our hero, Magnum "Danger" Sterling, Witty and Debonair Man of Mystery, recruited by the underground resistance to free the people from the tentacles of the Apple league. But first, as Magnum says, "No deal should ever be made without fine aged Bourbon."
Sterling is quickly spirited away to his secret castle in Badenschnortz, Germany, where he has spent his life since escaping the Viet Cong in training and honing his master skills in espionage and the deadly arts of Pling-Fu.
Sterling's team quickly takes out key branches of the Apple league, including one of their plants in London where the unholy reproduction of the beast is temporarily checked.
Unfortunately, the Apple league fights back, as government organizes the People's Army for Operating System Unity to crush all resistance to its domination.

Magnum, not ready to take on this Herculean responsibility, goes underground and returns to his old life of rock 'n' roll and fast living in the wild nightlife of Bonavista.

But Magnum is still endangered by his evil nemesis, Dr. Not-a-Bit-Nice, who kills his enemies by slapping them with rotten cabbage and codfish sausage, and so Magnum goes into disguise as a ship's captain on a steamer carrying goose oil to outer Madagascar.

Magnum's attempt at a quiet life is thwarted when Arab terrorists, led by the ruthless Abdul von Falafel, storms the ship. Magnum is wounded in his left knee in a swordfight with seven terrorists, but swings off a rope on the midmast to safety on a waiting liferaft. Which is odd considering the ship is a steamer.

But— alas! The liferaft sinks near a deserted island, leaving Magnum stranded. But the wily hero depends on his, uh, wily wiles to swim back to the mainland, re-energized by crocodile soup and ready for action again.

In a dramatic and touching scene, Magnum is given advice and spiritual direction in being an Inteli warrior by the aged seer Billa, who has now been reduced to begging for change to buy stale hot dogs outside a 7-11 in Moose Jaw.
In a visually stunning and unbelievably complicated scene, Magnum rises to the challenge to destroy the Apple league's Mainframe Mountain in wintry Zaire, after its location is revealed by his trusty sidekick, Bruno.
But wait- there's more! The evil Dr. Not-a-bit-nice has taken Magnum's love interest, Lola Steelbut, hostage. A brief flashback follows detailing how ten years before, as a dashing young intelligence agent in the rainforests of Norway, Magnum and Lola meet at an all-night Tim Horton's and romance quickly flickers into bright flame.

In the thrilling climax on the roof of Intelbury Cathedral, Magnum saves Lola in his atomic helicoptor, and the evil doctor falls to his agonizing death. As the villain is played by Ricky Martin, every male on the continent cheers wildly.

The forces of good regain the throne at Intelbury, with Billa returned to a seat on the Inteli council. The Duronian ambassadors pronounce sentence on the humbled tatters of the Apple league, condemning them to twenty years of editing Britney Spears remixes.

A victory march ends the movie. Magnum is to receive a golden Pentium IV chip as the national's highest honor, but he instead races off into the sunset in his convertible, with Claudia Schiffer, ready to free the world again when needed from the Apple league or international communism.