Our story begins near the present time in a land of joy
and peace where computers were built to serve people and spread happiness
to everyone.
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And then the world was given Windows with which to see
the world in this blissful age.. and there was much rejoicing.
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But evil forces, led by the ulterior and diabolical forces
of the unknown evil within us all, were conspiring to deprive the land
of its days of innocence and Ms-Dos based harmony. This group became
known as The Apple League as it began to bribe and corrupt business
and educational leaders with overpriced and pathetically underpowered
products cruelly masquerading as real computers.
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At first people laughed at the audaciousness of the league
and its goals... its one-button mouse; its total lack of response to the
user's needs... but the poison seeped deep into the very fabric of public
institutions as dark clouds loomed over the horizon.
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And then, October 13.. Black Tuesday. Parliaments
across the land voted to implement unfailing usage of the beast,
as it came to be called, in classrooms across the land.
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In the meantime, the men of shame and cowardice in parliament
tied up the forces of good in lengthy court proceedings. A new dark
ages was at hand; in an historic public address, the man who had given
so much told the nation that "only a computer superhero can save us now."
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Enter our hero, Magnum "Danger" Sterling, Witty and Debonair Man
of Mystery, recruited by the underground resistance to free the people
from the tentacles of the Apple league. But first, as Magnum says, "No
deal should ever be made without fine aged Bourbon."
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Sterling is quickly spirited away to his secret castle
in Badenschnortz, Germany, where he has spent his life since escaping
the Viet Cong in training and honing his master skills in espionage and
the deadly arts of Pling-Fu.
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Sterling's team quickly takes out key branches of the
Apple league, including one of their plants in London where the unholy
reproduction of the beast is temporarily checked.
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Unfortunately, the Apple league fights back, as government
organizes the People's Army for Operating System Unity to crush all resistance
to its domination.
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Magnum, not ready to take on this Herculean responsibility,
goes underground and returns to his old life of rock 'n' roll and fast
living in the wild nightlife of Bonavista.
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But Magnum is still endangered by his evil nemesis, Dr.
Not-a-Bit-Nice, who kills his enemies by slapping them with rotten cabbage
and codfish sausage, and so Magnum goes into disguise as a ship's captain
on a steamer carrying goose oil to outer Madagascar.
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Magnum's attempt at a quiet life is thwarted when Arab
terrorists, led by the ruthless Abdul von Falafel, storms the ship.
Magnum is wounded in his left knee in a swordfight with seven terrorists,
but swings off a rope on the midmast to safety on a waiting liferaft.
Which is odd considering the ship is a steamer.
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But— alas! The liferaft sinks near a deserted island,
leaving Magnum stranded. But the wily hero depends on his, uh, wily
wiles to swim back to the mainland, re-energized by crocodile soup and
ready for action again.
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In a dramatic and touching scene, Magnum is given advice
and spiritual direction in being an Inteli warrior by the aged seer
Billa, who has now been reduced to begging for change to buy stale hot
dogs outside a 7-11 in Moose Jaw.
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In a visually stunning and unbelievably complicated
scene, Magnum rises to the challenge to destroy the Apple league's Mainframe
Mountain in wintry Zaire, after its location is revealed by his trusty
sidekick, Bruno.
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But wait- there's more! The evil Dr. Not-a-bit-nice
has taken Magnum's love interest, Lola Steelbut, hostage. A brief flashback
follows detailing how ten years before, as a dashing young intelligence
agent in the rainforests of Norway, Magnum and Lola meet at an all-night
Tim Horton's and romance quickly flickers into bright flame.
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In the thrilling climax on the roof of Intelbury Cathedral, Magnum
saves Lola in his atomic helicoptor, and the evil doctor falls to his
agonizing death. As the villain is played by Ricky Martin, every
male on the continent cheers wildly.
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The forces of good regain the throne at
Intelbury, with Billa returned to a seat on the Inteli council. The Duronian
ambassadors pronounce sentence on the humbled tatters of the Apple league,
condemning them to twenty years of editing Britney Spears remixes. |
A victory march ends the movie. Magnum is to receive a
golden Pentium IV chip as the national's highest honor, but he instead
races off into the sunset in his convertible, with Claudia Schiffer, ready
to free the world again when needed from the Apple league or international
communism.
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