Today's Wretched Jokes


Changed daily at least once a month.

1. A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down at the front. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, did you know that there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies, "Wow! There's a drink named Ted?"

2. A man visits his psychiatrist and asks him, "Is it okay for me to marry an octopus?" "Of course not," advises the doctor. "Well," said the patient, "now I'm stuck with eight engagement rings."

3. A cheese sandwich also walks into the bar and orders a drink. The waitress looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir. We don't serve food in here."

4. Later on, a mushroom also walks into the bar and orders a drink. The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here. You'll have to leave." The mushroom says plaintively, "Oh, please can't I stay? I'm a fungi!"

5. A horse walks into the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"

6. Still another man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. The bartender says to him, "Hey, buddy! I don't want you trying to start anything in here."

7. Lastly, a dog walks into the bar with a shotgun and a cast on its foot.  The dog stands, looks around, and yells, "I'm a-lookin' fer the man who shot ma paw!"

8. A woman is paying her bill in a restaurant when she hears a voice saying, "I love what you've done with your hair!  And may I say how well your dress coordinates with your shoes."  She asks the waitress, "What was that?"  The waitress answers, "Oh, that's just the peanuts.  They're complimentary."

9. A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a sausage in the other, and a piece of cheese in his nose.  He says, "Doc, you gotta help me; I feel terrible."  The doctor thinks and says, "Well, firstly, you're not eating right."


10. A young woman is sitting in a waiting room when the doctor runs in and begins yelling, "Typhoid!  Tetanus!  Influenza!"  When the doctor runs out of the room, she asks the nurse, "What's wrong with the doctor?"  The nurse replies, "Oh, nothing.  He just likes to call the shots around here."

11. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The neutron then pulls out a wallet and asks, "how much will that be?" The bartender smiles and says, "for you... no charge."

12. Two guys are shingling a roof. One looks at the other to notice that he examines each nail before using it and sometimes throws them away. After a while he asks, "Why are you throwing away those nails?" The other answers, "Because the head is on the wrong end."
The first replies, "You dummy--those are for the other side of the house."

13. A man prays, "Lord, I'm about to lose my job. I need to win the lottery." Nothing happens that week. He then prays again, "Lord, I may lose my house! Please let me win the lottery!" He doesn't win that week again. The third week, he pleads, "Lord, you must hear me! I'm about to lose everything if I don't win the lottery!" A voice booms down, "My son, meet me halfway and buy a ticket, alright?"

14. A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter.  He stares for a moment, and then the horse says, "What's the matter, buddy?  You've never seen a horse in a bar?".  The man replies, "No, it's not that.  I just never thought the cow would sell the place."

15. Another man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The man answers, "A beer, please, and one for the road."

16. A man and wife were on a holiday in Wales, and passed through a town named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogogoch. Over lunch, they were obviously having trouble trying to pronounce the name, so they asked the waitress, "Could you please very slowly tell us where we are?" The young blonde looked at the man with a strange expression and answered, "Taaacoooo Beeeeelllll..."

17. The Bear family is waking up. Baby Bear sits down, looks into his bowl, and says, "My bowl is empty! Who's been eating my porridge?" Daddy Bear sits down, looks in his bowl, and roars, "My bowl is empty! Who's been eating my porridge?" Mommy Bear puts her head through the kitchen door and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the bloody porridge yet!"

18. Two men are standing in front of a butcher shop when one says, "Bet you ten dollars that you can't jump up and touch the meat on the ceiling.." The other says, "No thanks." The first says, "Okay, I'll bet you twenty that you can't hit the meat on the ceiling." The second guy says, "No way." The first man says, "I'll give you fifty dollars if you can do it." The second man says, "Not interested, the steaks are too high."

And finally, the best for last...

19. Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
      A: A nervous wreck.

20. Patient: Doctor, I've got a raspberry stuck up my bum!
. . . Doctor: Hmm, I have some cream for that.

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