1. The function of a car horn is to

1. Alert other drivers of an emergency situation
2. Warn other drivers you are entering their lane
3. Show anger at stupid things other drivers do
4. Tell Brenda to hurry the f— up and get outside

2. Music in cars should be played at a volume

1. So that it does not prevent you from responsibly hearing traffic around you
2. Loud enough to get your heart rate up
3. So that the people two parking lots over can hear it and realize how cool I am
4. WHAT?—WE’RE THE &@#$, AND WE’RE GONNA @%#& SMACK MY +*$%#ES UP ‘CAUSE WE’RE THE &^%+—I CAN’T HEAR YOU! 

3. Public libraries are

1. An excellent community resource for books and learning
2. A good place to read magazines for free
3. A waste of money as they don’t have Playboy anyway
4. A good place to hide from the police

4. Public school teachers are

1. The foundation of an active citizenry
2. People who teach bratty kids for a living, what of it?
3. Overpaid whiners who don’t contribute near as much to our lives as Caesar’s Palace does
4. Going to get HOT for you tonight at the Diamond Teakettle’s “Spank Me First, Teacher” adult show!

5. If I need to change lanes, I signal and then

1. Shoulder check, mirror check, and then proceed
2. Have a quick look in the next lane and then go for it
3. What was that—what does it mean to ‘signal’?
4. What was that—what are ‘lanes’?

6. Children would be provided for better in Vegas

1. By building more playgrounds and improving schools
2. By making gambling and exotic dancers less of a focus in the newspapers and media
3. By having more family attractions at the casinos
4. By not being here. Can’t they just go somewhere else?

7. Government offices here tend to assume people are all criminals. Do you have a record?

1. I have numerous records, some LPs and some 45s. Whatever do you mean, kind sir? Some people do bad things?
2. Like anyone, I had a few run-ins in my youth, but nothing serious.
3. Not too bad—there are still three or four states that I’m not wanted in.
4. Baby! I’m filling in this survey while in jail!

8. A billboard for an adult video fair, with a half-naked girl in leather, is posted on your street corner. You—

1. Grumble about modern morals and try to avoid driving your children past that intersection until it’s gone.
2. Have a look the first time—you’re only human—but aren’t interested in going and no longer notice.
3. Went to the fair with some friends from work, and ogle the girl in leather every time you drive by.
4. —are the girl in leather up there. The money was good and it’s my body!

9. It’s late at night, and traffic is light. You’re making good time, and the light suddenly turns red. You—

1. Are annoyed by the timing of the light but stop safely and wait.
2. Are tempted to run the light but have second thoughts and hit the brakes hard at the last moment.
3. Check if there is oncoming traffic and then roar through. Life’s short, baby!
4. Were too occupied getting the cap off the whiskey bottle to notice the intersection.

10. Tonight we’re going to have a cultural experience. We’re going to:

1. Tour the art museum and attend Parsifal at the symphonic theater.
2. See the band play in the park with the kids.
3. Watch the Larson vs. Taylor fight on TV.
4. See Miss Wet T-Shirt Spokane and Boise. That’s two cultures.

11. As you walk through the door into the bank, I am directly behind you. You—

1. Hold the door open and exchange pleasantries
2. Pause to let the door fall into my hand so that I can follow
3. Look to see if I have breasts, and when you see that I’m male, glare and let the door slam in my face
4. Do not notice who is entering the bank, as you are more concerned with robbing it.

12. There is construction and three lanes are merging into one. You—

1. Signal and wait to be let in by cars behind you
2. Signal and aggressively wedge your way in
3. Zoom into the lane without looking or signaling, cutting others off
4. Pass three cars before jamming in at 60 mph, giving the finger to other cars who honk, all while talking on your cell phone and then knocking down two pylons as you race around other cars at the end of the construction. Life in the fast lane—oh, that wasn’t a lane—oh, well, I have things to do and a life.

13. The strip is

1. A cheesy jumble of glitzy casinos and gimmicky attractions.
2. A fun place for an adult outing of gambling and sightseeing.
3. The best part of Las Vegas
4. Las Vegas has other parts? Don’t all those maids and janitors just live in the hotel rooms?

14. Speed limits are

1. From 15 mph to 45 mph, ranging from school zones to freeways.
2. From 15-ish to 45-ish, ranging on whether I’m late for work.
3. For old people and tourists, as long as they stay out of my way.
4. If people have a car that does 120 mph and don’t drive 120 mph, they don’t belong on the f— road, I say.

15. To me, the church is

1. A place to pray and to meet fellow worshippers on Sundays.
2. A place I go a few times a year for Easter and Christmas.
3. Not something I’m interested in, but fine for those into it.
4. Quite a good name for a strip bar and casino, actually.

16. Much of suburban Vegas is dismissed as a soulless heap of strip malls, big-box stores, and monotonous apartment complexes. How could the suburbs have more individual style?

1. With parks and public festivals.
2. A subway or skytrain to make the city more pedestrian-friendly.
3. By putting ‘Le’ in front of everything, like ‘Le Wal-Mart’ or ‘Le Office Depot’ so that it will look European.
4. My SUV bumper says that my child is an honor student. That’s enough individual style, and if you want more you can pay for it yourself, not with my tax dollars.

17. Do you enjoy the architectural themes of the Venetian, or Paris, or Caesar’s Palace, with their pillars and canals?

1. They’re just cheesy imitations of the originals packaged for tourists.
2. It’s fun to walk around ’Venice,’ even if you know it’s not the real thing.
3. Nice, but I don’t like all these people speaking foreign languages—they should speak English, like the Americans who built the original Roman Coliseums in ancient times, you know, when everyone wore togas and stuff.
4. They’re better than the originals—on TV the originals look so old and worn out. Don’t they have Plexiglas filler over there so they can take care of things? Typical lazy Europeans!

18. How much do you enjoy gambling?

1. I never gamble—it’s a tax on the stupid.
2. It’s fun on a Saturday night once in a while when I’m out with friends.
3. I’ve only lost two jobs and one marriage because of gambling, so I’m doing about average around here, I guess!
4. I’ll give you 2-1 odds that I enjoy gambling as much as I—wait a minute, what was that? The numbers for the 5 o’clock draw for the Hernandez vs. Mason fight are 7—3—4—6—can I get back to you later?

19. Do you know your neighbors?

1. Of course—Fred and Betty on the left of me, Ralph and Susan across the street. We often meet for barbecues or a rousing game of bridge!
2. We say hello as we pass or chat a little when I mow the lawn; that’s about it.
3. There’s a girl in the next apartment, and I know a lot about her boyfriend’s drug problem from her shouting into her telephone on the balcony, but otherwise I don’t know my neighbors and don’t care to.
4. There are other people in the world besides me? Well, they better like hip-hop! YEAH ALL THE LITTLE #&$^  LADIES WANT MY *&#^$ AND WE’RE THE %#*% ‘CAUSE WE ALL @&#*$ SAY WHAT WE  ^$#* ALL +#%& NIGHT!

20. A recent New York Times article indicates that water shortages from urban sprawl in the Las Vegas area will become critical in the next few years. What do you think of this?

1. It’s symptomatic of an appalling national policy failure to consider the consequences of global warming and to address the necessity for conservation of resources.
2. Grass lawns are on the way out anyway—a cactus and tile garden out front looks just as good.
3. It’s the Bellagio’s fault—if they ran their water fountains every half-hour instead of every fifteen minutes, that would solve the problem just fine.
4. I don’t know anything about it. What loser brainiac reads nowadays, anyway? I’m sure private industry will fix the problem if it becomes serious; that’s the American way.