Ken Eckert's
Lord of the Rings Primer

Middle Earth is threatened when evil forces seek an enchanted ring, guarded by two hobbits, Sam and Frodo. The power of the ring is causing them to argue!

Helping the hobbits to destroy the evil ring is the wizard Gandalf, who holds great powers and wears your aunt Mabel's hats.

Fighting for humankind is the pouty-faced warrior Aragorn. It seemed to work for Gladiator.

Aragorn wouldn't be much fun at a party, but Arwin is hot for him. Hey, it's a work of fantasy!

An evil black rider hunts for Frodo, sensing the ring. No one knows what he wants it for— to buy something faster than a crappy horse?

And a giant orc army, bred to destroy mankind, advances on Helm's Deep on their way to the Nine Inch Nails concert.

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The Plot Chapter Cut Out of The Lord of the Rings - The Two Power Mowers

After the battle of Helm's End. Enter Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Aragon, and Legolas the archer.

Aragorn: It is good to see you and your forces, Gandalf.

Gandalf: This has been a fortunate end. We have been able to save humankind from disaster, and the Orc army is defeated.

Legolas: You have saved us once again, Gandalf, from certain doom.

Aragorn: Yeah, except once again, Gandalf, you've waited until the last possible moment to show up. If you're so all-powerful, why weren't you here last night while we were all getting our butts kicked?

Gandalf: Well, I, uh, had important work to do at the wizard's conference.

Legolas: What, getting drunk on wizard grog? Telling boring goblin war stories? You use the same excuse every time to stay out of danger! We always do all the work and face the enemy ourselves, and then you show up, wave around your cute little pink wand and then take all the credit!

Gandalf: Give me a break! My army at least showed up and busted some heads with their axes! What do you do— stand around, wiggle your bum, and shoot your sissy cupid arrows? Show a wizard respect— I'm still a powerful elder who has seen much!

Aragorn: Well— pardon us! We forgot that you were four hundred years old! Maybe we could schedule the battle later in the day so you don't miss the buffet special at Denny's! I could even rig up some arrows so you could release them with The Clapper!

Frodo: Please don't fight, fellows! It upsets Sam and me!

Sam: It's okay, Mr. Frodo! I'll never leave you, even if you're upset, or if we disagree, or if the ents get Dutch Elm disease, or if Gollom spits up hairballs! I'll always be here with you!
(Titanic theme music plays)

Gandalf: Oh, why don't you two just get a room already?

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